“Daddy, will you forgive me?” These words from my four year old daughter were unexpected. Not thirty seconds earlier, her eyes shot daggers at me when I walked into her room. The last thing I expected was an apology.

It had been a difficult evening. I could blame it on all the Halloween candy. Or it might just be that she is four and it is her job to test the limits. Either way, our problems for the night began when my wife discovered a marker line drawn across the entirety of our living room floor. Thankfully it was a washable marker and our floor is hardwood. Nevertheless, we both scolded her and made her clean it up. She was cooperative at that point.

I was tired and frustrated. Amanda and I have told Elliana time and time again to only color on paper. Yet she once again broke this well known rule. What is it going to take for her to learn? Have we been too easy on her? Is she spoiled? Something in me felt like she needed some tough love. 

I did not yell at her, but my tone was stern and forceful. Once she cleaned up the mess she made, I gave her a lecture about taking care of what she has been given. Amanda and I asked her to clean up her play area. She was hesitant. I continued to scold her, “Clean up your play area, now.” She made a few attempts to begin cleaning, but as time went on she became more and more obstinate. She dug in her heels. The more firm Amanda I became, the more she resisted.

We were at a stalemate, and I was angry. If God had asked me in that moment, like he had asked Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry?” I would have replied, “You bet it’s right for me to be angry! This child you have given me is stubborn and obstinate. She refuses to listen. She refuses to learn. You had better believe it’s right for me to be angry!”

We sent our daughter to our room to cool off (though we were the ones that really needed to calm down). After a few minutes I went into her room. “Are you ready to clean up your play area yet?” She glared at me and started to push me. I so badly wanted to scream at her, to spank her…but I was too angry so I just left her in her room.

It was about time for me to leave for a meeting at church. Amanda, in her wisdom, realized that before I left Elliana and I needed to reconnect. It would not be good for me to leave in the midst of a fight. So I went back once more into her room. Her eyes shot daggers once again. But I wrapped her in a hug, kissed her forehead, and said, “I have to go, but I want you to know that I love you.”

That was when she said: “Daddy, will you forgive me?” Her tone had changed. Her tense muscles relaxed. I picked her up and we held each other for a few minutes. “Yes, Elliana, I forgive you.”

“Will you stop being mean to me?” She asked.

My eyes watered, “Oh, honey, I am so sorry.” Then I asked for forgiveness. I realized that, even though she had done wrong, we had turned one wrong action on her part into an evening of criticism and anger. Even after she had cleaned up her mess and made things right, I had placed a wall between us. Without even acknowledging that she cleaned up her mess, I had quickly begun pointing out her other flaws and shortcomings. I had, in her words, been “mean”.

Before I left for the church, she was already obediently cleaning up her play area. She was tender, apologetic, and compliant. All it took for her to change her attitude was a reminder that she is loved.

I want to teach my children to be obedient and humble. But if I teach them to be obedient but fail to teach them that they are loved unconditionally, then I will have failed as a parent.

Love is a more powerful motivator than punishment. Elliana was more willing to obey once she was assured of love. Punishment was not going to make her comply. But love did. 1 John 4:18 tells us, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear expects punishment. The person who is afraid has not been made perfect in love” (CEB).

God’s primary disposition towards us is love. God is love. We live in obedience towards God, not because we are afraid of God, but because we know that we are loved. Perfect love drives out fear. I have “known” these words from 1 John for as long as I can remember, but my daughter preached them to me this week and they penetrated more deeply than they ever have.

Once again, I see that this child of mine is leading me into God’s Kingdom. She is leading me out of a life of fear and anger and into a life of love and assurance. Thanks be to God!